My husband called me “an un-supportive wife.” He said I didn’t support him in his pursuit of his dream career.
We’ve had many arguments in our 10+ year relationship, but this comment insulted and hurt me more than anything he’s ever said to me.
All I do is support him. I couldn’t believe he just uttered those words.
I was shocked to silence when he first spat that out at me. I looked around in disbelief that he could actually feel that way.
I looked around at the janky old apartment in Jersey City (above my mother in law, mind you) that I agreed to move into for him, from my beloved city of Manhattan, so he’d be close to school for his needed prerequisites. I looked at the bin of freshly washed laundry done so he’d not have to worry about having bright white shirts ready for work, looked at my mini nonexistant workspace since he has the entire office to himself…
Then my rage came.
I had an Ally McBeal moment of bashing my laptop right onto the top his head. I spat right back at him. Listing all the things I’ve done that show my support in his future career. From helping him with research, writing, to small things that make his life easier so he can do what he has to do. It was a laundry list, and by the time I’d finished, my face was soaked, I was standing over him, shaking and much louder than I started out.
His response:
“Yeah, but you never SAY supportive things.”
I wanted to punch him in the nose.
Words? I thought. You want words?
Had I known that all I needed to do was shake a pom pom and say “Go John, go!” I’d be happily living in a cute uptown Manhattan apartment and not be so far from all of my friends, family, and support system.
If I’d known that words mattered more than actions, I’d have done a LOT less, been a lot more comfortable, and just tossed a few saccharine sentiments at him each day while maintaining the lifestyle I wanted.
Sigh
To me, words are worthless. Anybody can say whatever they want, but what I value are actions. Politicians say “no new taxes” and then raise them five minutes later. Cheaters say “you’re the only one for me” and then go hook up with their side piece. People talk about getting healthy for years as they continue to lay on the couch eating junk food. Words have very little value in my eyes.
Actions matter. What you actually DO means a lot more than what you say to me. There’s a big difference in the friend that visits you in the hospital after you’ve given birth saying “girl, I got your back” and the friend that pops up a week post-partum with two casseroles, forces you to lay down and starts tidying up your home while you rest.
I had a moment of resentment-tinged clarity after my “I’m oh so supportive” tirade. My mind went to Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” that I read very early in our relationship, and re-read last summer. I gave my husband the book to read, and he didn’t. So I sent him the quiz to help him discover his love language in lieu of reading. He never sent his results. ::sturdy side eye::
The 5 Love Languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Gifts
After reading, I realized that acts of service, and quality time are my languages. (Don’t get me wrong, I love a gift as much as the next girl!) But I feel most loved when you actually do something meaningful for me. I think this stems from what I saw my dad modeling toward my mom growing up with little things like filling up her gas tank and keeping her car clean.
I wanted to say (in the nastiest, attitude-filled, ratchet, neck swiveling way) “If you had actually read the Love Languages book…maybe you could have communicated this earlier….”
But instead I was silent. (for once)
He was finally telling me his love language!
My husband was communicating his feelings. In his way. He was letting me know that he was hurting and feeling unsupported and needed something different from me. It didn’t matter how I felt about my level of support toward him. Didn’t matter how I felt about what it was that he needed.
What mattered was that my husband required something that only his wife could provide and it was my job to ensure he had what he needed. Period.
Words may not hold much weight with me, but it’s irrelevant if it’s what’s required for my husband to feel like I’ve got his back. Just like him doing the dishwasher each night is just a random chore to him but makes me feel loved and like he values the time I have to spend in the mornings with our son.
Since this conversation I’ve changed the “language” I speak with my husband. I’d be the person to clean the bathroom because he hates doing it, almost as much as I hate doing dishes, thinking that he understands it as an act of love. But it doesn’t translate. He doesn’t speak that language. Now, I’ve been trying my best to speak (literally) words of affirmation, words of love, words of appreciation, words of encouragement and words of support to my husband. He’s my best friend and I want him to always feel like I support him in his endeavors no matter what language I have to speak it in.
Knowing his love language has made me a better wife.
Maintaining a strong and happy marriage requires so much effort and energy. There’s a saying, “happy wife, happy life.” But I believe it goes both ways. I want my husband happy, which in turn makes me happy, and we both get the happy life and family out of that.
It’s a work in progress….
I now encourage everyone in a relationship (or looking for a relationship) to read “The 5 Love Languages” and figure out their own first. This allows us to be able to effectively ask for what we need in our relationship. I also encourage everyone to have their significant other read it as well. Or at least take the daggone quiz. It’s important to be able to speak the language of love that your other half understands. It makes for a happier, more intimate, an deeper connection. Who doesn’t want that?
What’s your love language?
Wow! I’ve been a lurker/subscriber to your site for a while and this post compelled me to leave a comment because I just had an “A-Ha!” moment. Thank you for this post Dani because it has literally changed me 🙂 Have a great day!
Seriously?!?! Oh my goodness. That’s so awesome for you (and your partner!) This is the best comment I could hope for. I’m really glad to hear it. I was nervous about posting something this personal relating to my marriage, but if it has impacted you then I know it was worth sharing. Wishing you a happy & love filled marriage 🙂
Girl. You and your husband are the opposite of me and mine. He is the action guy. I want the words. Sigh. It’s been a 10 year struggle LOL.
So crazy how showing love is so different for everyone. 10 years of…bliss….right? 🙂
This is such an awesome post. I am still learning my husband’s love language after 14 years of marriage.
Thanks! I think I’ll be learning about my husband forever. Least I won’t get bored! What’s your love language Katherine?
Great post, Dani. I have that book. Brand new. I’ll read it before I let anyone in my heart again. Keep loving, keep communicating. xx
I’ve read the 5 love languages a couple of times, Pascha. It has definitely helped since I got married. I’m now reading the Happy Wives Club. So far so good.
Such a GREAT post, Dani! Thanks for sharing!
Awesome post Dani! I had this book. And when I was married ( girl yes I used to be somebody’s wife lol) we TOTALLY did not speak each other’s love language. I read the book and we both took the dam quiz. I thought immediately he would finally get it and start speaking my love language. NAWL! He only cared about me speaking his. Selfish fool! Anyway, that’s why I am no longer married BUT what I do love about this post is you made a conscious and selfless effort to speak your boo’s love language. Marriage is all about compromise + sacrifice and I think it’s absolutely sweet that you didn’t go all Sharkeisha on him and just realized what he needed and did that. I love your blog girl so I’ll be around these parts more often.
Thanks for sharing this Dani! I’m so happy that my husband and I learned our languages early in our relationship. It was so amazing to see that we gave and received love in different ways. What I found especially challenging was that my languages to receive love are like yours (quality time and acts of service), however I would attempt to show my love with words of affirmation and acts of service. My husband however responded best to gifts and physical touch, while trying to express his love to me through quality time and gifts. Once we took the time to really, really understand one another, so many of our stress points went away. It’s a powerful thing to learn and it definitely helps to keep the lines of communication open.
I mostly lurk also. I don’t think I’ve ever purchased a book of this type before (kinda self-helpy) but I really think this would be good for my husband and me. I think at that heart of many of our same conversation/disagreements that seem to go nowhere is because we don’t speak the same love language. We get a long great but there are things I wished he’d do and know there are things he wished I did/said more of that would show the other person that we really do care and love each other. I really do appreciate your sharing this with us.
Love this post Dani! We studied our love languages in our pre-marital counseling and it really helped set the stage for how we communicate/flourish. I’m very much like your husband and I need words of affirmation to survive. I see your side very much but nothing makes me a happier lady than hearing that I’ve done a good job as a loved one.
This was a great post Dani, thanks for sharing. I need to re-read this book again. You learn something new every time, but I’m definitely a Quality time kinda girl, while my husband is loves physical touch & words of affirmation. 🙂
My husband has told me I wasn’t supportive too, and it’s the same thing…because I don’t say it.lol Crazy men.lol I guess words and actions count. Loved this Danielle.
Q
http://www.geminiq.blog.com
http://www.quanahedwards.blog.com
oh hell to the yeah. so I too read the book (before we got married) and encouraged my hubby to do the same with the exact response as yours. NONE. didn’t take the quiz either so I’ve had to try and piece together what HIS love language is versus mine. But I also think my love language has changed over the years and it varies from what I want from my spouse and that of my friends. I will be forcing him to read this or at the very least take the damn quiz in the next week cuz we’ve been at odds for the last few weeks and I know it’s because we’re not speaking the same language. It’s very important to figure out not only how they feel /show love and to articulate that as well as to discover our own love language and what we need. It’s a hard cycle to break if you’ve been doing it one way for years and then have to switch up but I know the payoff is greater than going through another silly argument. Love this, love your writing. Submit to BlogHer.
I even read the one for children. oh how I discover how different my 2 little girls are, they use to fight and drive me cray! now I’ve learn to speak their love language my babies are such good kids now, I aim to keep their love tank full so less tamtrum and shenanigans!
Good for you Dani! this book is a home saver!
Beautiful Post Dani! That’s a book i need to get my hand on before marriage.
Really enjoyed this article. I’m getting married in a few months, and I want to make sure I’m able to speak her language!
This book (along with about 9 others!) sits unread on my nightstand. I totally need to read it. Thank you for the reminder!
Great post! I need to pick up a copy of this book and read it! My hubby and me have different love language, and I think he likes hearing the words vs me–who likes actions ,and gifts (not going to lie about that).
Thank you so much for your transparency! I know this has helped so many people.
I laughed through this entire post. I’m getting married in Oct. and your response is so me! Thank you for sharing. Now let me go remind my future hubby to finish reading the darn book side eye!!
My husband won’t read the book either–but his love languages are acts of service and quality time. Mine seems to be words of affirmation. It’s crazy how much cab get miscommunicated when we don’t understand our partner’s love language!
I’m glad you know his language even tho he won’t read it. I was blown away figuring out Johns. (and pissed than a muuuug)